


Until the end of times • nomin

by porcelainbae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Epistolary, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25922905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainbae/pseuds/porcelainbae
Summary: Jeno has always been Jaemin’s special person, through thick and thin, sharing every little and big moment in their life.after six months since Jaemin went missing, Jeno finally hears from him, in the most Jaemin way possible:A letter.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70
Collections: NOMIN FAN WEEK





	Until the end of times • nomin

_ Dear Jeno, _

_ I hesitated a lot before I could write to you again, I’m still not sure if I should really be doing this but… I guess I’ll just follow that voice inside my head that wants to be part of your life again.  _

_ It’s been so long since the last time we saw each other, right? I bet a lot of things have changed since then… Did you change too? Or are you still the same boy that could light up the world with a single smile? I honestly think that nothing could ever take that away from you.  _

_ I hope it never happens, I hope it stays like that even when life gets harder. _

_ I know I have no right to ask since it was me who suddenly disappeared, but are you doing good? Did you finally make up your mind to walk into the next chapter of your life? You have every right to not believe me but that’s something I truly regret, you know? Knowing I won’t be there for you on your big day, neither the previous ones nor the ones that will follow. Knowing I missed so many important milestones makes me wonder if I did the right thing... but this is something bigger than me, and probably a letter is not the best way to say it but… you know why I like letters, right? They last for as long as we want them to last. So like this, I know my words won’t fade away with the breeze of the summer.  _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ Truth is I’m really proud of you, Lee Jeno. You’ve done a lot, you’ve accomplished a lot, and you’re about to make your dreams true.  _

_ You might have a lot of questions for me, I guess. Honestly, I don’t have the answers for them. I still don’t know why I ran away, I still don’t know why I left without letting anyone else know about it. Or maybe I do but the answer is way too complicated to explain it.  _

_ Something like this is not meant to be easy, huh? _

_ I hope you don’t hate me like you said you did, cause I don’t. To say I can’t remember why I said such hurtful words to you would be a lie, but know I never meant any single one of them. I’m actually grateful for having you in my life. If I could, I would still choose you as the chosen one to be my best friend. I hope you think the same but I can’t blame you if you don’t, so don’t feel pressured, okay? In the end, the only thing I really care about is you, you, and your feelings. _

_ I was hurt. I had a lot of things going on in my head when you came to me that night. I was an awful friend for yelling at you when you only wanted to share with me your wishes for the future. It’s just that it hurt. It hurt so damn much. _

_ But, you know? I regret everything from that night.  _

_ If I could turn back time just once, I would go straight to that day to do it all over again. To make it better. To maybe have a better last memory from you, like your smile or the way your eyes turn into crescents when you look at me, but instead what appears every night when I sleep is hurt in your gaze and your lips pressed in a thin line.  _

_ I know you used all your strength and patience to not snap at me. But maybe I deserved it? Maybe things would’ve been different? _

_ If I could, Jeno, I would change a lot of other things too.  _

_ Sometimes I wonder, If I really could, would the future really be different for us? Would you be happy with that? Would my dreams become true too? Would love feel different for us? _

_ Honestly, I can’t imagine you not meeting Renjun. Many of my mistakes led you to him and that only makes me wonder if… A lot of ifs and all of them hurt my heart beyond my comprehension.  _

_ If I only talked to you before, would things be different now or we would still happen this way… _

_ If I only dared to tell you how I feel… _

_ If I only held you closer to me when I had the chance… _

_ If I only told you I love you… would you say you love me too? _

_ I thought leaving would ease the pain but it only made it stronger. I thought being away from you would make me forget you but I only missed you more. I held so tight to that hoodie you gave me just days before I left and I wished upon every single star I saw for it to be you just once. To have you again next to me one last time. _

_ Your perfume is no longer there and I miss you more.  _

_ I miss holding your hand, I miss walking next to you. I miss spending the night with you, just talking about life and what we hoped our lives to be. I miss looking at you and knowing I was safe, cause with you next to me I could overcome everything. I miss hugging you at night, I miss playing with your hair. I miss kissing your forehead goodnight.  _

_ I wish I had done it more.  _

_ I miss your voice, your eyes, I miss seeing your smile every morning, I just miss you and it’s no longer easy to bear.  _

_ But I have no right to complain. I don’t deserve to.  _

_ Because I left, because I was scared, and even if now I’m still scared I fear not giving my time a good use before it is too late.  _

_ It’s because of that that I had to swallow my fear to let you know that I love you. _

_ I’ve loved you ever since we were too young to understand love. I’ve loved you when we started to grow and you thought no one could ever love you. I’ve loved you at your worst and I’ve loved you at your best.  _

_ I’ve loved you even when you loved someone else, and I’ve loved you when life slowly took me away from you.  _

_ I’ve loved you even when it hurt. _

_ And I’ll probably love you for the rest of the eternity.  _

_ I’ll love you even if I’m no longer here.  _

_ So I never minded the petals. I never minded the pain, the blood, or how slowly my life left my body. I never minded how scared it made me feel, how lost, how angry, I don’t even mind now how unfair sometimes life is with us.  _

_ Because I’ve loved you and I love you, and I made the decision to accept whatever fate brought to me for loving you if that meant you could be happy for the rest of your life. _

_ So, Jeno,  _

_ I love you and I don’t regret it. _

_ I love you and because of you, I don’t fear it anymore.  _

_ I’ll love you even with my last breath, and I only want to ask for a single thing from you, Jen.  _

_ Promise me you’ll live like we once dreamt to. Promise me you’ll be happy for the both of us. _

_ Promise me you won’t forget about me. At least not too fast. Or never. _

_ I promise I’ll always be around. There won’t be a single day I’ll leave you alone.  _

_ So, please, be the happiest man on earth. Love, live, have that wonderful life you wanted with the boy who made you touch the sky.  _

_ And tell Renjun he has the best thing that could’ve happened to me on his hands.  _

_ I bet you don’t really need to tell him that when he loves you as I do, but still do it. Let him know he has the only person I’ve ever loved and I only hope he can make you happy too. _

_ It’s my time to say goodbye. You must know by now what’s going on, and you probably know too what are the only endings here. _

_ Let’s try to meet in our next life, okay? Maybe then I won’t be too scared to kiss you under the moonlight or to tell you I will never love anyone else aside from you.  _

_ Forever yours,  _

_ Nana. _

⠛⠛⠛

  
  


The darkness of the night weights on his shoulders.

It hurts, but he is unable to recognize if it is because of the cold winter or because of the words that pierced his heart. Beside him, an empty bottle of soju is his only companion. An empty bottle, a letter, and a gold band around his ring finger.

The words written in liquid black ink become difficult to read as minutes pass by, and the motive falls down his cheeks trying to lessen the pain that grows in his chest.

There is only one thing on his head, a single promise that his lips repeat as if trying to tattoo it in the universe. A single name that hurts when pronounced.

_ “In our next life, I won't let you go that easily, Nana.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story!  
> Let me know what do you think?
> 
> [ twitter: jaenanam ](https://twitter.com/jaenanam)  
> [ curiouscat ](https://curiouscat.me/jaenanam)


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